Dwayne TV

Dwayne the new Channel from UKTV – “The home of Burberry Banality”

(04:00 – 06:00) Home Shopping Special

Blazin Squad talk us through this seasons must haves from Reebok Classics to Lacoste tops. There will also be a track suit catwalk show and important “how to” guides, including the importance of tucking tracksuit bottoms in to trainers and creating the perfect Croydon facelift.

(06:00 – 09:00) You’ve got a job get up!

Jade Goody laughs for three hours to get you out of the house and off to work. If you don’t have a job there is no chance you will be up anyway, unless maybe its giro day.

(09:00 – 12:00) This Morning with Peter and Jordon

Everyone’s favourite couple host the popular daytime show with a mixture of celebrity z list guests, bad advice, microwave cooking and Jordan’s massive baps.

(12:00 – 13:00) Slack Tarts

The popular panel show where four women cackle like witches whilst recounting tales of sex in night club toilets.

(13:00 – 14:00) The Sun News

Lunchtime news by the UK’s biggest selling newspaper. Top story, apparently the polish have taken all our jobs and eaten them, something funny about a bear crapping on a mans head, then fifty minutes of sport followed by topless weather.

(14:00 – 15:00) The Jeremy Kyle Show

Jeremy confronts strangers in the street then proceeds to tell them why they are idiots with bad personal hygiene and unfulfilled lives. In this episode Jeremy tells a mentally disabled woman why she is rubbish but he is brilliant.

(15:00 – 15:30) Dial M for…..

Adult education program where each day a letter is chosen and then words starting with that letter are discussed, slowly.

(15:30 – 16:00) Countdown

Game Show where contestants watch a clock countdown.

(16:00 – 17:00) What’s in the Box?

Noel Edmunds puts something in a box, waits five minutes then asks contestants to remember what was in it.

(17:00 – 18:00) Neighbours

Fly on the wall documentary following the antics of the residents of “Footballers Street”. This week Wayne and Coleen go electrical shopping and buy memory sticks so they won’t have to remember things.

(18:00 – 19:00) Jim Davidson’s Eating in Africa

Every Week Jim Davidson visits a new African town and eats a six course meal in front of the malnourished residents.

(19:00 – 22:00) Scum (Movie)

Amazing special effects in tonight’s movie as a mirror is projected onto your TV screen.

(22:00 – 23:00) The History of White Socks

Documentary. Danniella Westbrook narrates the fascinating story of white socks and their use in modern British society.

(23:00 – 00:00) Question Time

This evening guest include Kerry Katona explaining just why mums go to Iceland. Michael Carroll on how to make a million and Danny Dyer on his new movie “Generic Cockney Geezer”.

Time Team

Time Team the UK BAFTA nominated archaeology programme has been on TV since 1994. Having just completed its fourteenth series the show appears to go from strength to strength. However sources close to the heart of the show, along with reports of random digs by members of the public reveal that all may be not as it seems at Channel 4’s premium field destroying series.

New evidence has shown that several members of the so called, time “team” have little background in archaeology at all. Phil Harding the self proclaimed Chief Archaeologist was found sleeping rough near the site used for the pilot episode in 1992.

Dave Krankie (an ex researcher from the show) recalls the incident – We had about an hour before the filming started or we would lose all the light and Simon (Simon Everson the Director) was screaming that we needed more “bearded weirdies” if we were going to be taken seriously. He ordered a group of us to into Dorchester-On-Thames to find someone we could use. I found Phil lying in a shop doorway covered in jumpers, he fitted the bill and was more than willing to take the £50 offered him. We had about six tramps working in the background on the pilot, shifting mud, the smell was unbelievable but it seemed to work. When one of the real archaeologists stormed off the set after refusing to change out of his three piece suit and his Italian brogues Simon grabbed Phil and got him to read some made up terms from a card. It worked ok in the print so we kept him on. It was only later that we found out he was a kleptomaniac with a penchant for colourful jumpers. The number of times I’ve had to pay off a Benetton store manger, he’s like a bloody magpie.

Tony Robinson the shows presenter gives off an impression of happy amiability with his co-workers but apparently nothing could be further from the truth.

According to sources Robinson spends most of the time in his trailer, a 40 foot Itasca Meridian costing around £200,000. It is rumoured that his salary now accounts for up to 90% of the Time Team budget. Off camera he is known to be domineering and aggressive towards the mainly gentle archaeologists.

Dave Krankie – He has always been a bit weird with everyone on set. Always going on about how he is a proper actor and only doing this for the money. He was kind of interested at first, well as interested as an actor can get, but now he resents the whole thing. I remember one incident where Phil (Phil Harding) called him over in his usual “come’n av a look at this Toneee” and Robinson just went nuts, he grabbed the find out of Phil’s hand and threw it into the bushes screaming “It’s a F@#?ing rock!”

Francis Pryor the specialist in the Bronze and Iron Ages also seems to be somewhat eccentric.

Dave Krankie – The mans a monster! He claims that anything we find is Bronze Age and gets aggressive if anyone disagrees; even Robinson is scarred of him. One week we dug up a plastic Minnie Mouse and he tried to convince everyone it was a Bronze Age fertility God. He held a trowel to Stewart Ainsworth’s throat when he told him it was just junk. He just kept yelling “Who’s in charge Stewart”.

The show has also recently been condemned for several indiscretions against members of the public. It seems that after thirteen years they have dug up every accessible historic site in the UK, and are now using compulsory purchase orders to have people evicted from their own homes, on the whim of their panel or experts. We spoke to one man in Milton Keynes, Richard Holmes, who had returned home from work to find his house fenced off and two Time Team “Toughs” guarding the entrance.

I started yelling at them, asking who the hell they thought they were boarding off my house. Then Robinson comes out and he’s got this kind of leer on his face and says. It’s my house now.

Despite all the controversy Time Team remains one of channel 4’s biggest draws for the all important “Sunday Night Liberal” spot and Tony Robinson if free to re-write history.