Blackpool Tower

On a bitterly cold November night in 1984, one man with the help of minor celebrities saved mankind from almost certain destruction, sadly this heroic feat was never reported and can only now be told.

Blackpool Tower was completed on the 14 May, 1894, it had taken three years to complete, using 5 million bricks and 2,500 tons of steel, at a cost of £290,000 (literally pounds in today’s money). The Brainchild of Sir John Bickerstaffe, the story often given, is that Bickerstaffe got the idea from visiting the great Paris Exhibition in 1889. The truth however is altogether more sinister. Bickerstaffe was the founder of a secret society the “Friends of Set” who worshiped the evil Egyptian deity and hoped to bring about his return to earth. After spending all his life in Blackpool Bickerstaffe had decided society was too sick to survive. Along with his followers he conducted bizarre rituals, intended to bring about the end of the world by unleashing Set. Blackpool Tower was designed to be a huge antenna to pull in and concentrate psychokinetic energy. With this energy they would open a gateway and bring Set through. Though he died in 1930, Bickerstaffe’s followers carried on carefully disguising their activities as a circus.

So it was that ninety years later (an important number for the purposes of this story) Walter Arkwright, the Towers caretaker and keen amateur paranormal investigator, heard strange noises coming from the lift shaft. Walter had often noticed many strange goings on in the tower, animal sacrifice, people in robes, clowns, but had always put it down to theatrical types and their London ways.

However after making his way to the source of the noise at the Tower top, he was confronted by hundreds of the Friends of Set, in what could only be a demonic ceremony designed to bring about the end of mankind.

Quickly realising that it was only a matter of hours before all life on earth was extinguished, he gathered together the greatest celebrity strike force available from those in panto or on holiday in Blackpool that day.

By the time the evil rite was reaching its dastardly conclusion Walter had assembled, the band Frankie goes to Hollywood, Torvill and Dean, Tucker Jenkins and the entire cast of Hi-Di-Hi!

Against such talented individuals the worshippers of Set had no chance and were soon despatched. Sadly in the ensuing fight of good against evil Walter threw himself onto the alter to dissipate the psychokinetic energy. In doing so he prevented the return of Set to the earth and mankind was safe again. Tucker did try to pull Walter free but received a blast of energy which sapped all talent from his body. Walter disappeared in a flash of blinding light, his last words being “Hi-Di-Ho!”

Today Blackpool remains one of Britain’s favourite tourist destinations and the tower is its most famous landmark. We may still have our blessed celebrities but please, whenever you walk over that distinctive black sand and stare at the fabulous tower, remember Walter.