Tom “Indiana” Jones and the Temple of Icke – Part 2

Dr Jones (presented with an honorary doctorate in “Deep Love” by Bangor University in 1987) sat on board Nails Lear Jet sipping Dom Perignon from a pint glass. The sky had started to lighten outside and dawn would soon break over the country. Jones had instructed his sidekick Wee Jimmy Krankie to fly them to the south of France. Tom had been without a woman for almost twelve hours, it would now take the combined efforts of the Monaco Ladies Beach Volleyball team to return him to full strength.

Suddenly whilst Tom daydreamed of the frolics to come the cabin lost all pressure and the plane began to go into a steep dive, before Jones had time to ask Wee Jimmy what had happened a shot was fired just above his head. Turning he saw just by the open cabin door the symbiotic hit men Robson and Jerome. Both were wearing parachutes and I ♥ Soldier Soldier T-shirts. Tom realised that they must have been hiding in the toilets the entire time and had soon discovered that Nail was not on board.

Robson stepped forward waving his pistol at him before Tom had time to react.

“Not so fast Jones, we have the last two parachutes and have cut the fuel lines, soon our master will reward us for destroying you”.

Jerome the “host” of the relationship poked his head round from behind Robson and shook his fist menacingly.

Just then Wee Jimmy burst out of the cockpit running at full pelt into Nails henchmen, Robson tried in vain to get out of the way but was caught up in the legs of his partner causing them to topple out of the open door, quickly swept away into the clouds.

“Good job Jimmy, can you get this crate back in the air?” asked Jones relaxing his coiled physique.

“No Good Dr Jones, no fuel and this plane no built for gliding!” said jimmy picking up his school cap.

Tom stroked his chin thoughtfully then began to rummage through the cupboards and overhead lockers.

“Aha! Quick Jimmy try to get us as low as possible, I think I have an idea” explained Jones starting to pull things out of a cupboard marked “Private”.

Within moments Wee Jimmy was back after levelling out the plane and setting it to autopilot. He returned to find Jones lashing together blow up dolls with dental floss.

“Hey Dr Jones this is no time for love!”

“Shut up Boyo and get on” cried the Welsh legend.

Jimmy obeyed and Jones used his powerful abdominal thrust to force them through the cabin door and out into the awaiting sky.

Freefall.

The sea rushed up to meet the escaping heroes hitting them like a solid wall, luckily the blow up dolls took the brunt of the impact and they were able to hang on.

Several of the less well made dolls had burst, however the sturdier vinyl ones held and Jones instructed Wee Jimmy to start paddling them into the coast while he rearrange his hair.

After about an hour they reached a windswept sandy beach and Wee Jimmy waded ashore with Dr Jones on his shoulders. Jones passed his enquiring eye over the terrain “This isn’t France Jimmy, I think we landed a bit prematurely”.

Just then a figure dressed in ragged flairs and bright orange shirt shambled out of the bushes. He was in his sixties with a long white beard and had laurel of plastic can holders around his head. He saw them on the beach and began running towards them shouting. “Have you brought it back? Please I have been here for so long, have you brought it back?”

Jones’s eyes went wide with comprehension. “My God! One of the Lost Festival People of 1970, we thought them extinct”.

Wee Jimmy looked puzzled and said “but where are we Dr Jones and what does it mean?”

Jones’s face turned grave. “We are on the Isle of Wight Jimmy, and it means…..trouble”

Tom “Indiana” Jones and the Temple of Icke – Part 1

Its 1995 and everyone’s favourite welsh pop singer is halfway through a powerful performance of Delilah at Newcastle’s top venue The Stage Door. Tom is as ever wowing the ladies with his patented hip gyrations when suddenly the notorious gangster Jimmy Nail bursts in scattering the assembled lovelies.

Jimmy’s goons (the cast of auf wiedersehen pet) quickly surround the stage and aggressively point their automatic weapons on Wales’s number one son.

“Way Aye Jones, you stole me Crocodile Shoes Man! I want em back” screamed the furious Geordie.

“Those shoes are a crime against fashion Boyo, I destroyed them as you should have done long ago Jimmy” Tom calmly explained whilst secretly motioning to the karaoke machine behind his back.

Nail exploded unleashing a tirade of insults that would put Dockers to shame, meanwhile behind the stage Tom’s sidekick Wee Jimmy Krankie carefully made his way to the fat bird magnet.

“Hadaway man, you must by lying, cos if your not you’re a deed man. Oootside Noooo!” cried the tragic pop crooner Nail.

“Now Wee Jimmy!” roared Jones to the karaoke machine in the corner.

Suddenly the air was filled with Gazza’s rendition of “Fog on the Tyne” and the Geordie mobsters were transfixed by their regional anthem, forcing them to salute, a single tear rolling down Nails cheek.

Jones losing no time ran from the nightclub with Wee Jimmy following as fast as his diminutive stature would allow.

Outside they found two bouncers who were still dealing with the riddle Nail had bamboozled them with to get past.

“Is it a Coal ship do ya think?”

“Nooo Man he said, on what kind of ships do students study?”

Tom saw that they were both on the verge of mental collapse and would be of no use holding off the chasing goons. Luckily Wee Jimmy saw their escape route parked on double yellows across the street. Nail had left his private Lear jet open with the engine running.

“Quick Mr Jones, to the Jet”

“You’re a marvel Shorty” complemented Jones

“I keep telling you, you listen to me more, you live longer!” explained Wee Jimmy racing to the plane.

Within minutes Wee Jimmy had the plane ready for takeoff, having learnt to fly whilst accompanying Jones on his many international travels.

“Step on it Wee Jimmy” called Tom whilst trying to find something to drink that wasn’t Newcastle Brown Ale in the bar.

“Okey Dokey Mr Jones, hold onto your leeks!”

Nail stepped over the unconscious bouncers into the crisp nigh air just as the jet took off. He watched it climb away into the murky night sky and began to laugh.