Kim Jong-il Part 1

An Extract from “The Official History of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea”

Comrade Kim Jong-il, General Secretary of the Workers Party of Korea, Supreme Commander of the Revolutionary armed forces and Captain of the Korean Adult Film Club was born atop of Baekdu Mountain at six o clock in the morning. His birth was heralded by the appearance of a quadruple rainbow, clap of thunder and the release of Bambi by Walt Disney.

Jong-il is the son of Kim il-Sung the founder and great leader of the Peoples Republic. His immortal exploits are covered fully in the previous chapter however he was the son of Kim Hyŏng-jik inventor of penicillin and gold. His father was Kim Bo-hyon whom Karl Marx stole the idea of Communism from in the 1840’s.

Kim Jong-il was a bright child and was able to walk by the age of three weeks, talk by eight weeks and had completed his first Manifesto on the future of the Korean People by the age of two years.

A keen sportsman Jong-il was Captain of all games at his school, where he was privately tutored. He was also captain of the chess, bridge, charades and biscuit club.

He was a consistent A grade student and would always be top of his class of one, despite the disappearance of over twenty of his tutors.

By the age of ten Kim Jung-il had invented many new items such as radial tyres, holograms and the microwave oven. Since then these inventions have been stolen from the people of Korea and cruelly claimed as inventions of lesser men.

In 1964 Kim Jung-il graduated from Kim il-sung University with a triple first in Political Economy and Media Studies.

It would have been very easy for the illustrious leader to then give his son token government job, however Jung-Il would never take something without first earning it. So it was that he joined the party, doing many great works for four years before his minor promotion to Deputy Director of Propaganda and Agitation. Here he would ensure the total happiness of the Korean people via informing them of the torture and murder that occurred to dissidents.

In Just four years Kim Jung-Il was promoted to Party secretary of organisation and propaganda and one year after that he was officially designated as his fathers (the great leader) successor. Proving that anyone within the party who is willing to work hard could become the leader of this Democratic Republic.

Time Team

Time Team the UK BAFTA nominated archaeology programme has been on TV since 1994. Having just completed its fourteenth series the show appears to go from strength to strength. However sources close to the heart of the show, along with reports of random digs by members of the public reveal that all may be not as it seems at Channel 4’s premium field destroying series.

New evidence has shown that several members of the so called, time “team” have little background in archaeology at all. Phil Harding the self proclaimed Chief Archaeologist was found sleeping rough near the site used for the pilot episode in 1992.

Dave Krankie (an ex researcher from the show) recalls the incident – We had about an hour before the filming started or we would lose all the light and Simon (Simon Everson the Director) was screaming that we needed more “bearded weirdies” if we were going to be taken seriously. He ordered a group of us to into Dorchester-On-Thames to find someone we could use. I found Phil lying in a shop doorway covered in jumpers, he fitted the bill and was more than willing to take the £50 offered him. We had about six tramps working in the background on the pilot, shifting mud, the smell was unbelievable but it seemed to work. When one of the real archaeologists stormed off the set after refusing to change out of his three piece suit and his Italian brogues Simon grabbed Phil and got him to read some made up terms from a card. It worked ok in the print so we kept him on. It was only later that we found out he was a kleptomaniac with a penchant for colourful jumpers. The number of times I’ve had to pay off a Benetton store manger, he’s like a bloody magpie.

Tony Robinson the shows presenter gives off an impression of happy amiability with his co-workers but apparently nothing could be further from the truth.

According to sources Robinson spends most of the time in his trailer, a 40 foot Itasca Meridian costing around £200,000. It is rumoured that his salary now accounts for up to 90% of the Time Team budget. Off camera he is known to be domineering and aggressive towards the mainly gentle archaeologists.

Dave Krankie – He has always been a bit weird with everyone on set. Always going on about how he is a proper actor and only doing this for the money. He was kind of interested at first, well as interested as an actor can get, but now he resents the whole thing. I remember one incident where Phil (Phil Harding) called him over in his usual “come’n av a look at this Toneee” and Robinson just went nuts, he grabbed the find out of Phil’s hand and threw it into the bushes screaming “It’s a F@#?ing rock!”

Francis Pryor the specialist in the Bronze and Iron Ages also seems to be somewhat eccentric.

Dave Krankie – The mans a monster! He claims that anything we find is Bronze Age and gets aggressive if anyone disagrees; even Robinson is scarred of him. One week we dug up a plastic Minnie Mouse and he tried to convince everyone it was a Bronze Age fertility God. He held a trowel to Stewart Ainsworth’s throat when he told him it was just junk. He just kept yelling “Who’s in charge Stewart”.

The show has also recently been condemned for several indiscretions against members of the public. It seems that after thirteen years they have dug up every accessible historic site in the UK, and are now using compulsory purchase orders to have people evicted from their own homes, on the whim of their panel or experts. We spoke to one man in Milton Keynes, Richard Holmes, who had returned home from work to find his house fenced off and two Time Team “Toughs” guarding the entrance.

I started yelling at them, asking who the hell they thought they were boarding off my house. Then Robinson comes out and he’s got this kind of leer on his face and says. It’s my house now.

Despite all the controversy Time Team remains one of channel 4’s biggest draws for the all important “Sunday Night Liberal” spot and Tony Robinson if free to re-write history.

The History of Shoes

Shoes have a chequered history filled with murder, intrigue and jam.

The earliest shoes were specially bred sea anemones and were an exact fit for wearer. It is thought that this is where the Cinderella glass slipper story originated from. Sadly like most ancient tales it has been made more commercially fluffy by changing the pulsating many tentacled live shoes for glass ones. Due to their predatory nature sea anemone shoes did have the slightly disturbing habit of slowly digesting the feet of the wearer over time. This along with the rich mix of neurotoxins that were released into the feet led to a spate of shoe related deaths in the early history of man. Despite the dangers anemone shoes and their trainers were in constant demand with pairs regularly changing hands for three pigs or more.

It wasn’t until the invention of leather cows in northern Italy that sea shoes went out of favour and mass production began; however this would unleash perhaps the bloodiest stage of the shoes history with the creation of the shoe cartels. During this period shoes were banned in many countries, as it was believed that they encouraged travel and foreign ideas. Cartels would harvest shoes in more liberal countries, employing thousands of farmers who would otherwise live from subsistence cultivation. They would then smuggle the shoes across borders into the target country by hiding them in containers of jam. This was not without its dangers as simply possessing shoes carried a sentence of up to thirty years. If you were caught with more than two pairs you could be charged with possession with the intent to supply, which was a capital offence. Due to greed and competition from other shoe cartels the trade soon degraded into open warfare until they were finally legalised. Now legitimatized the cartels changed from shady criminal organisations to shady corporate organisations. All wages for shoe farmers were reduced and prices put up, merely in line with inflation though of course. Over the course of time shoes became a fashion item and part of everyday life. With the exception of the Irish shoe famine of the 1840’s when books were substituted for shoes (library membership went up by 80%) shoes are now so ingrained into our social psyche as to be worn every day and in some cultures worshipped.