INTERMISSION

PLEASE ENJOY THESE MESSAGES WHILST WE DIG OUT REEL 2 OF THE STORY

Cadburys Caramel

Due to the overtly sexual nature of these adverts Cadburys Caramel was banned in over 37 countries, as it was believed the gooey caramel centre contained crystal meth. Once ingested the devious chocolate would induce feelings of euphoria, heightened sexuality and the need to listen to Barry White records (also banned). Mr Beaver is obviously a reference to female feet and Rabbit is the crack dealer, the tree however is innocent, although this did not stop a rash of tree killings in the Middle East.

Hofmeister

George the alcoholic bear starred in nearly all the Hofmeister adverts in the 1980’s until his death from cirrhosis of the liver in 91. He was replaced, but the magic was not the same, as the company chose to use a tea total panda simply dressed in a brown bear costume. The Brand finally died in 2003. This particular advert is in reference to the rampant alcoholism inherent amongst astronomers at the time. Patrick Moore in late 87 was reported as saying “I can’t see Uranus until I’ve had at least twelve cans of Hofmeister”.

KFC

During the 1980’s undercover agents of the KFC bought cloud seeding technology from the KGB in exchange for the Colonels secret recipe. They then used this to ruin every bank holiday, forcing thousands of British children to be taken to their restaurant chains instead of the recently opened Alton Towers.

Look-In Magazine

Look-In enabled thousands of children who were not posh enough to watch the BBC to still enjoy ITV programming when it was only showing Tales of the Unexpected or Crossroads. It ran until 1994 when ITV became shit. Fraggle Rock although filmed by Jim Henson was in fact a documentary about a race of bastards who ate what the ingenious and yet sadly oppressed Doozers built. Filming stopped abruptly when the Doozers finally shook of the manacles of oppression and destroyed the Fraggle Race.

Now 2!

As if Now! Wasn’t enough for you, you financially free 80’s child you. Sales of Now 2 enabled PolyGram records to buy the Isle of Skye and create the worlds first music artist labour camp. Its early inmates seeding the way for soap star singers and boy bands.

It is a little known fact, but if you play Culture Club records backwards the secret messages can turn you un-gay.

Milk Tray Man

The milk tray man has remained at the top of the Weight Watchers Most Wanted List for over thirty years. During the 80’s he systematically target young and beautiful women, bringing them box after sickening box of chocolates in an effort to make them fat. It is thought he was once spurned by a supermodel and turned onto a devious scheme of revenge. His whereabouts remain unknown.

Weety Snax

Banned in 1987 for containing imagination these “snax” gave children creative ideas and other such dangerous feelings. Due to a copyright infringement it is not actually Superman in the adverts but Andy Crane of “The Broom Cupboard” fame. Spiderman is Spiderman.

Holidays

Holidays were a new invention of Sir Clive Sinclair and released for general use in 1982 on an unsuspecting British Public. Early Holidays were barbaric, with many confused holidaymakers simply staying in an airport for two weeks – hence the title “Why Bristol Airport”.

Computer Games

Computer games had been around since 1882 when “Pong” was invented by Charles Babbage. As we can see they certainly had come a long way since then. Fortunately a secret political agreement put a freeze on the amount of progress computer games can make, which is why chucky egg was so crap. Tom Baker was so skint in the 1980’s he would have come round and cut your lawn for a couple of quid, such was his addiction to scarves at the time. He is reported to have once worn thirteen scarves to the opening of a comic book shop in Burry St Edmonds.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION

ZOMBIES! OUTBREAK HUDDERSFIELD

Tom “Indiana” Jones and the Temple of Icke – Part 4

It took the party several hours by giant dormouse to reach the castle along the overgrown islands roads. Wee Jimmy sweated profusely, unused to the near tropical climate of 22° “Dr Jones are we nearly there, this mouse is starting to smell almost as bad as me”

Jones, twice winner of the special services to the knickers industry award, turned to their guide Trevor who pointed into the distance.

Through the vegetation they saw the tower of the castle, a flag depicting an upright lizard could be seen fluttering in the afternoon breeze.

A figure loomed out of the bushes ahead, meeting the travellers head on “Greetings, and welcome to Carisbrooke Castle, My name is Alan Titchmarsh, but you may call me Mr Alan Titchmarch”.

Trevor screamed and reigning in his mouse, escaped as fast as he could, leaving Tom and Wee Jimmy alone with Mr Alan Titchmarsh.

Titchmarsh smiled greasily “I was out picking flowers for the castle; I am the masters head gardener. If you would follow me I will escort you to the castle and you will be made welcome. There is to be a feast tonight”. He bowed low and it was only then that they noticed his strange garb. He wore only fishing waders and a bowler hat, his privates being covered in a hunk of mud.

Wee Jimmy made to say something but was silenced with a look from Jones who answered the insane gardener. “That would be lovely, please lead the way”.

After a few moments they reached the castle grounds, it was not the ruin Tom had been expecting, everywhere hippies were at work rebuilding walls or toiling in the gardens.

They were shown to rooms in one of the guest wings of the castle and given fresh clothes, though pleasant Dr Jones and Jimmy couldn’t help but feel a shadow of malevolence over the entire castle. At six o clock they were invited to the great feast, Tom strode down the castle corridors like a man at home, however Wee Jimmy shuffled with great trepidation.

As they sat down in the great hall, Wee Jimmy took note of the assembled diners; it was a demonic guest list. Mr Alan Titchmarsh sat at one end then down from him were, The Osbournes, Mark King of Level 42, Jeremy Irons, Phill Jupitus and Ellen MacArthur. On the other side were people he didn’t recognise, they may have been politicians as they had an air of corruption about them. Somewhere a tubular bell tolled and the assembled sycophants rose to greet the new Lord of Carisbrooke Castle, David Icke.

Icke’s deranged eyes went round the table taking in the faces, momentarily stopping on Jones though he showed no reaction. Then he smiled seating himself at the head of the table and indicating everyone else should sit too.

Phill Jupitus rubbed his hands together his bearded face shining with unconcealed glee “This will be a real treat” he proclaimed as hippie servants entered carrying covered silver platters. Despite his fears Wee Jimmy’s stomach begins to rumble and he decided that eating whatever delicacies were offered should be his first priority.

The servant removed the lid; it was a platter of square sausages, turkey twizzlers and chicken nuggets with clear pus leaking from them.

Wee Jimmy gagged, even in his most depraved Scottish moments of deep frying boiled eggs he would never touch a turkey twizzler. Jupitus had no such qualms and quickly demolished the whole portion, belching loudly much to the amusement of Ellen MacArthur.

Jones ignored the food and engaged their host in conversation “We came from a village, they said a sacred album had been stolen, and their weed taken”. A cold silence engulfed the table as eyes searched around the guests. Mark King quickly piped up “Rumours Dr Jones, nothing more. These Hippies are little more than animals they…”

Jones quickly cut him off “They said a new evil had come to Carisbrooke Castle, that the Carisbrooke cult was again growing powerful.”

The next plate of food arrived, Wee Jimmy was hopeful for something edible, but his request was soon dashed as the cover was removed to reveal, Dr Brains Faggots in gravy.

Icke turned his solemn eyes on Jones. “I too have heard these rumours of an ancient cult and such, I though they were told to frighten celebrities, then later I found out that they were true. Let me assure you Dr Jones, and everyone here, that whilst I am Lord of Carisbrooke such things can never happen again.” With that he returned to his meal leaving Jones no option but to do likewise.

“Ahh dessert!” exclaimed Jupitus, gravy smothered over his face.

“What is it” asked Wee Jimmy carefully.

“Sarah Lee chocolate cake, it has been out for an hour and is still frozen in the middle, mmn delicious”.

After the meal Dr Jones and Jimmy returned to their rooms to discuss what they had each found out. Jones the Welsh Legend was sure something stank, and it wasn’t just Wee Jimmy.

Marmite

The German scientist Justus von Liebig is regarded as one of the greatest biological chemists of all time, and pioneered the use of nitrogen as a fertilizer. However in the summer of 1865 he made a terrifying discovery. Whilst working with brewers yeast he noticed that the substance could be concentrated to make what appeared to be an edible substance. However when he fed the unappealing brown slime to some laboratory rats all died in convulsive fits seconds after ingesting the foul dark material. Further tests proved that Liebig had in fact discovered one of the most poisonous substances know to man. Distraught by the thought that one of his inventions could be used to kill, he tried to destroy his research. He burned all his notes and smashed most of the apparatus he had used to create the toxin. In 1873 Liebig died thinking that is hideous secret had died with him. Unfortunately he had left a small jotting in one of his notebooks that he had forgotten about. This was bought at a house auction of Liebig possessions one year after his death, the purchaser was one Victor Marmite an amateur scientist of dubious morals. Victor had been expelled from Edinburgh University for his obsession of trying to use arsenic in his experiments. This had led to deaths that could not altogether be classed as accidental.

After several years of secret experimentation abroad, Victor returned to England settling in Burton on Trent. Here he spent the next few years raising capital from local businessmen (and some say the military) to start the Marmite Food Company.

It seems the clinically insane Victor Marmite had managed to lower the concentrations involved in making the toxic substance enough to prevent instantaneous death (the long term health issues have never been fully investigated). In his experimentation Marmite had also made another ghoulish discovery (at the cost of who knows how many lives). He discovered that an unknown element within the solution made the mixture addictive, though strangely only to around 50% of test subjects. The other 50% showed a highly allergic reaction; obviously their bodies could somehow detect the toxicity and cause the adverse reaction. It 2003 the human genome project discovered that there is in fact a “Marmite gene” which is an ancient leftover from the days of food experimentation by early man, who would often ingest poisonous foods by accident.

By 1902 Marmite Foods was in full production of the new wonder food that seemingly people just had to have. By 1907 the company needed to open another factory and by the Second World War they had cornered the toast spreadable market in the UK.

Today despite numerous attempts to prove the evil that lurks within each tub of marmite, no one has been able to curb the countries insatiable demand for the heinous extract.