Dwayne TV

Dwayne the new Channel from UKTV – “The home of Burberry Banality”

(04:00 – 06:00) Home Shopping Special

Blazin Squad talk us through this seasons must haves from Reebok Classics to Lacoste tops. There will also be a track suit catwalk show and important “how to” guides, including the importance of tucking tracksuit bottoms in to trainers and creating the perfect Croydon facelift.

(06:00 – 09:00) You’ve got a job get up!

Jade Goody laughs for three hours to get you out of the house and off to work. If you don’t have a job there is no chance you will be up anyway, unless maybe its giro day.

(09:00 – 12:00) This Morning with Peter and Jordon

Everyone’s favourite couple host the popular daytime show with a mixture of celebrity z list guests, bad advice, microwave cooking and Jordan’s massive baps.

(12:00 – 13:00) Slack Tarts

The popular panel show where four women cackle like witches whilst recounting tales of sex in night club toilets.

(13:00 – 14:00) The Sun News

Lunchtime news by the UK’s biggest selling newspaper. Top story, apparently the polish have taken all our jobs and eaten them, something funny about a bear crapping on a mans head, then fifty minutes of sport followed by topless weather.

(14:00 – 15:00) The Jeremy Kyle Show

Jeremy confronts strangers in the street then proceeds to tell them why they are idiots with bad personal hygiene and unfulfilled lives. In this episode Jeremy tells a mentally disabled woman why she is rubbish but he is brilliant.

(15:00 – 15:30) Dial M for…..

Adult education program where each day a letter is chosen and then words starting with that letter are discussed, slowly.

(15:30 – 16:00) Countdown

Game Show where contestants watch a clock countdown.

(16:00 – 17:00) What’s in the Box?

Noel Edmunds puts something in a box, waits five minutes then asks contestants to remember what was in it.

(17:00 – 18:00) Neighbours

Fly on the wall documentary following the antics of the residents of “Footballers Street”. This week Wayne and Coleen go electrical shopping and buy memory sticks so they won’t have to remember things.

(18:00 – 19:00) Jim Davidson’s Eating in Africa

Every Week Jim Davidson visits a new African town and eats a six course meal in front of the malnourished residents.

(19:00 – 22:00) Scum (Movie)

Amazing special effects in tonight’s movie as a mirror is projected onto your TV screen.

(22:00 – 23:00) The History of White Socks

Documentary. Danniella Westbrook narrates the fascinating story of white socks and their use in modern British society.

(23:00 – 00:00) Question Time

This evening guest include Kerry Katona explaining just why mums go to Iceland. Michael Carroll on how to make a million and Danny Dyer on his new movie “Generic Cockney Geezer”.

The History of Shoes

Shoes have a chequered history filled with murder, intrigue and jam.

The earliest shoes were specially bred sea anemones and were an exact fit for wearer. It is thought that this is where the Cinderella glass slipper story originated from. Sadly like most ancient tales it has been made more commercially fluffy by changing the pulsating many tentacled live shoes for glass ones. Due to their predatory nature sea anemone shoes did have the slightly disturbing habit of slowly digesting the feet of the wearer over time. This along with the rich mix of neurotoxins that were released into the feet led to a spate of shoe related deaths in the early history of man. Despite the dangers anemone shoes and their trainers were in constant demand with pairs regularly changing hands for three pigs or more.

It wasn’t until the invention of leather cows in northern Italy that sea shoes went out of favour and mass production began; however this would unleash perhaps the bloodiest stage of the shoes history with the creation of the shoe cartels. During this period shoes were banned in many countries, as it was believed that they encouraged travel and foreign ideas. Cartels would harvest shoes in more liberal countries, employing thousands of farmers who would otherwise live from subsistence cultivation. They would then smuggle the shoes across borders into the target country by hiding them in containers of jam. This was not without its dangers as simply possessing shoes carried a sentence of up to thirty years. If you were caught with more than two pairs you could be charged with possession with the intent to supply, which was a capital offence. Due to greed and competition from other shoe cartels the trade soon degraded into open warfare until they were finally legalised. Now legitimatized the cartels changed from shady criminal organisations to shady corporate organisations. All wages for shoe farmers were reduced and prices put up, merely in line with inflation though of course. Over the course of time shoes became a fashion item and part of everyday life. With the exception of the Irish shoe famine of the 1840’s when books were substituted for shoes (library membership went up by 80%) shoes are now so ingrained into our social psyche as to be worn every day and in some cultures worshipped.