PLEASE ENJOY THESE MESSAGES WHILST WE DIG OUT REEL 2 OF THE STORY
Cadburys Caramel
Due to the overtly sexual nature of these adverts Cadburys Caramel was banned in over 37 countries, as it was believed the gooey caramel centre contained crystal meth. Once ingested the devious chocolate would induce feelings of euphoria, heightened sexuality and the need to listen to Barry White records (also banned). Mr Beaver is obviously a reference to female feet and Rabbit is the crack dealer, the tree however is innocent, although this did not stop a rash of tree killings in the Middle East.
Hofmeister
George the alcoholic bear starred in nearly all the Hofmeister adverts in the 1980’s until his death from cirrhosis of the liver in 91. He was replaced, but the magic was not the same, as the company chose to use a tea total panda simply dressed in a brown bear costume. The Brand finally died in 2003. This particular advert is in reference to the rampant alcoholism inherent amongst astronomers at the time. Patrick Moore in late 87 was reported as saying “I can’t see Uranus until I’ve had at least twelve cans of Hofmeister”.
KFC
During the 1980’s undercover agents of the KFC bought cloud seeding technology from the KGB in exchange for the Colonels secret recipe. They then used this to ruin every bank holiday, forcing thousands of British children to be taken to their restaurant chains instead of the recently opened Alton Towers.
Look-In Magazine
Look-In enabled thousands of children who were not posh enough to watch the BBC to still enjoy ITV programming when it was only showing Tales of the Unexpected or Crossroads. It ran until 1994 when ITV became shit. Fraggle Rock although filmed by Jim Henson was in fact a documentary about a race of bastards who ate what the ingenious and yet sadly oppressed Doozers built. Filming stopped abruptly when the Doozers finally shook of the manacles of oppression and destroyed the Fraggle Race.
Now 2!
As if Now! Wasn’t enough for you, you financially free 80’s child you. Sales of Now 2 enabled PolyGram records to buy the Isle of Skye and create the worlds first music artist labour camp. Its early inmates seeding the way for soap star singers and boy bands.
It is a little known fact, but if you play Culture Club records backwards the secret messages can turn you un-gay.
Milk Tray Man
The milk tray man has remained at the top of the Weight Watchers Most Wanted List for over thirty years. During the 80’s he systematically target young and beautiful women, bringing them box after sickening box of chocolates in an effort to make them fat. It is thought he was once spurned by a supermodel and turned onto a devious scheme of revenge. His whereabouts remain unknown.
Weety Snax
Banned in 1987 for containing imagination these “snax” gave children creative ideas and other such dangerous feelings. Due to a copyright infringement it is not actually Superman in the adverts but Andy Crane of “The Broom Cupboard” fame. Spiderman is Spiderman.
Holidays
Holidays were a new invention of Sir Clive Sinclair and released for general use in 1982 on an unsuspecting British Public. Early Holidays were barbaric, with many confused holidaymakers simply staying in an airport for two weeks – hence the title “Why Bristol Airport”.
Computer Games
Computer games had been around since 1882 when “Pong” was invented by Charles Babbage. As we can see they certainly had come a long way since then. Fortunately a secret political agreement put a freeze on the amount of progress computer games can make, which is why chucky egg was so crap. Tom Baker was so skint in the 1980’s he would have come round and cut your lawn for a couple of quid, such was his addiction to scarves at the time. He is reported to have once worn thirteen scarves to the opening of a comic book shop in Burry St Edmonds.
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
ZOMBIES! OUTBREAK HUDDERSFIELD
Don't Forget to Stumble Us!