INTERMISSION

PLEASE ENJOY THESE MESSAGES WHILST WE DIG OUT REEL 2 OF THE STORY

Cadburys Caramel

Due to the overtly sexual nature of these adverts Cadburys Caramel was banned in over 37 countries, as it was believed the gooey caramel centre contained crystal meth. Once ingested the devious chocolate would induce feelings of euphoria, heightened sexuality and the need to listen to Barry White records (also banned). Mr Beaver is obviously a reference to female feet and Rabbit is the crack dealer, the tree however is innocent, although this did not stop a rash of tree killings in the Middle East.

Hofmeister

George the alcoholic bear starred in nearly all the Hofmeister adverts in the 1980’s until his death from cirrhosis of the liver in 91. He was replaced, but the magic was not the same, as the company chose to use a tea total panda simply dressed in a brown bear costume. The Brand finally died in 2003. This particular advert is in reference to the rampant alcoholism inherent amongst astronomers at the time. Patrick Moore in late 87 was reported as saying “I can’t see Uranus until I’ve had at least twelve cans of Hofmeister”.

KFC

During the 1980’s undercover agents of the KFC bought cloud seeding technology from the KGB in exchange for the Colonels secret recipe. They then used this to ruin every bank holiday, forcing thousands of British children to be taken to their restaurant chains instead of the recently opened Alton Towers.

Look-In Magazine

Look-In enabled thousands of children who were not posh enough to watch the BBC to still enjoy ITV programming when it was only showing Tales of the Unexpected or Crossroads. It ran until 1994 when ITV became shit. Fraggle Rock although filmed by Jim Henson was in fact a documentary about a race of bastards who ate what the ingenious and yet sadly oppressed Doozers built. Filming stopped abruptly when the Doozers finally shook of the manacles of oppression and destroyed the Fraggle Race.

Now 2!

As if Now! Wasn’t enough for you, you financially free 80’s child you. Sales of Now 2 enabled PolyGram records to buy the Isle of Skye and create the worlds first music artist labour camp. Its early inmates seeding the way for soap star singers and boy bands.

It is a little known fact, but if you play Culture Club records backwards the secret messages can turn you un-gay.

Milk Tray Man

The milk tray man has remained at the top of the Weight Watchers Most Wanted List for over thirty years. During the 80’s he systematically target young and beautiful women, bringing them box after sickening box of chocolates in an effort to make them fat. It is thought he was once spurned by a supermodel and turned onto a devious scheme of revenge. His whereabouts remain unknown.

Weety Snax

Banned in 1987 for containing imagination these “snax” gave children creative ideas and other such dangerous feelings. Due to a copyright infringement it is not actually Superman in the adverts but Andy Crane of “The Broom Cupboard” fame. Spiderman is Spiderman.

Holidays

Holidays were a new invention of Sir Clive Sinclair and released for general use in 1982 on an unsuspecting British Public. Early Holidays were barbaric, with many confused holidaymakers simply staying in an airport for two weeks – hence the title “Why Bristol Airport”.

Computer Games

Computer games had been around since 1882 when “Pong” was invented by Charles Babbage. As we can see they certainly had come a long way since then. Fortunately a secret political agreement put a freeze on the amount of progress computer games can make, which is why chucky egg was so crap. Tom Baker was so skint in the 1980’s he would have come round and cut your lawn for a couple of quid, such was his addiction to scarves at the time. He is reported to have once worn thirteen scarves to the opening of a comic book shop in Burry St Edmonds.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION

ZOMBIES! OUTBREAK HUDDERSFIELD

Kim Jong-il Part 1

An Extract from “The Official History of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea”

Comrade Kim Jong-il, General Secretary of the Workers Party of Korea, Supreme Commander of the Revolutionary armed forces and Captain of the Korean Adult Film Club was born atop of Baekdu Mountain at six o clock in the morning. His birth was heralded by the appearance of a quadruple rainbow, clap of thunder and the release of Bambi by Walt Disney.

Jong-il is the son of Kim il-Sung the founder and great leader of the Peoples Republic. His immortal exploits are covered fully in the previous chapter however he was the son of Kim Hyŏng-jik inventor of penicillin and gold. His father was Kim Bo-hyon whom Karl Marx stole the idea of Communism from in the 1840’s.

Kim Jong-il was a bright child and was able to walk by the age of three weeks, talk by eight weeks and had completed his first Manifesto on the future of the Korean People by the age of two years.

A keen sportsman Jong-il was Captain of all games at his school, where he was privately tutored. He was also captain of the chess, bridge, charades and biscuit club.

He was a consistent A grade student and would always be top of his class of one, despite the disappearance of over twenty of his tutors.

By the age of ten Kim Jung-il had invented many new items such as radial tyres, holograms and the microwave oven. Since then these inventions have been stolen from the people of Korea and cruelly claimed as inventions of lesser men.

In 1964 Kim Jung-il graduated from Kim il-sung University with a triple first in Political Economy and Media Studies.

It would have been very easy for the illustrious leader to then give his son token government job, however Jung-Il would never take something without first earning it. So it was that he joined the party, doing many great works for four years before his minor promotion to Deputy Director of Propaganda and Agitation. Here he would ensure the total happiness of the Korean people via informing them of the torture and murder that occurred to dissidents.

In Just four years Kim Jung-Il was promoted to Party secretary of organisation and propaganda and one year after that he was officially designated as his fathers (the great leader) successor. Proving that anyone within the party who is willing to work hard could become the leader of this Democratic Republic.