Yesterdays Late Breaking Celebrity Lies

1. Mr. T’s favourite colour is pink, his favourite smell is fear.
2. Due to his diminutive stature Tom Cruise has never been on a rollercoaster in his whole life. Apparently he was offered the opportunity to visit Neverland Ranch and use the rides there, but the cost was “….. prohibitive”
3. Like Nostradamus Mr. T has written a book of predictions. Every page just says the word “pain” on it.
4. A teacher has been sentenced to atomisation by the Church of Scientology for calling a teddy bear Xenu Dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy”.
5. Mr. T was awarded an honorary knighthood in 2003 for his work against “Fools” unfortunately he has been unable to collect it as he “aint getting on no plane”.
6. Morrissey has been working with the US Military to try to come up with a “Misery” bomb.
7. The fight between Clubber Lang and Rocky Balboa in Rocky III had to be completely computer generated on a Commodore 64 as Mr. T’s contract does not allow for his defeat in any fight “real or imagined”.
8. Blossom the early 90’s American TV show about a hideously deformed girl was the first show to deal with the disability ugliness.
9. Mr. T was once the bodyguard for Bruce Lee, sadly Lee fired him after losing to an arm wrestle. If Lee had not been such a poor loser he may have been alive today.
10. In 1996 “Macarana” the song by Los del Rio accounted for 75% of Spain’s Gross National Product.

Fox News

The Fox News channel was launched in October 1996 to just a few vegetative cable viewers unable to comprehend what was on the screen in front of them. Since then the channel, through sheer journalistic power alone has risen to its present day level, being available to over 85 million US households and further countless millions around the world. We were fortunate enough to be able to interview a few of the lucky people who get to work at this bastion of free speech.

Electra Republikan – Human Resources Manager

Electra is a pretty blonde woman in her early thirties with a faraway look in her eyes.

ER: Oh yeah its great working here, you really feel like your part of something bigger, like a well oiled……

BBL: Regime?

ER: Yeah exactly! Anyhooser we get allsorts of people arriving to work here even, you know, even foreigners. [Looks suspiciously at a young black mail room clerk going past] A lot of journalists come from other companies to learn how things should be done. Yeah we teach a lot of young reporters the ropes; we even have training schools in journalism set up around the world. Let me see, there’s one in North Korea, Iran, Kuwait oh gee everywhere.

BBL: Have you ever met Roger Ailes?

ER: Roger? Sure, Rogers a real hoot. You couldn’t meet a nicer guy. [Said slightly louder than necessary]

BBL: He has done work for quite a lot of, shall we say interesting characters like Regan, Nixon, Disney and Pol Pot. Has he ever mentioned his previous work?

ER: Well…I guess we have all had some crazy jobs. [Lowers voice] He did once say this………..

[She pulls back her sleeve to reveal a bracelet with a red crystal in it, its glowing]

ER: Oh God no……I have to go.

Ted Biased – Trainee Reporter

Ted is a young twenty something with blonde hair, chiseled good looks and altogether too many teeth. On his desk is a mug, it reads “You don’t have to be a Republican to work here – but it helps”

TB: I think with my training and a little luck, I should make Anchor by the time I’m thirty no problem.

BBL: Wow you’re quite the confident one. What is your training if you don’t mind me asking?

TB: My Father is a Senator.

BBL: Err, ok. So what do you say to those people who argue that Fox manipulates the news?

TB: That’s nonsense we don’t manipulate news, we are completely impartial. Jeez these people just don’t understand. A lot of news just isn’t interesting enough for you average guy at home. We get a lot of information here, most of it not relevant, like for instance, civilian deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan. Who needs to know that! Its not that we manipulate, we just prune out the stuff that people don’t need to know.

BBL: So what are you working on at the moment?

TB: I’m learning how to end and interview quickly, there are quite a few techniques. Cutting the other persons mike, telling them to shut up. It’s tricky to get right, but I’m getting there.

BBL: Do you think that Fox news is conservative or even right wing?

TB: Absolutely not, in any way is Fox conservative. Just read our slogan “Fair and balanced” what kind of right wing channel would have that slogan. Besides its not that we have anything against gay rights, blacks, abortion or any of that hippy stuff. Its just we thinks its wrong.

BBL: How about Rupert Murdoch what do think of him?

TB: Again people seem to have the guy all wrong. I have heard nothing but good things about the man. He is really into charity work, just the other day I heard he has a new project, some sort of TV show I think. They mentioned the title “Deaf Star”. I mean giving the useless deaf a chance to be on TV, what is more charitable than that?

Whatever you may think about Fox News this great channel continues to go from strength to strength. It truly is “The Most Powerful Name in News”.

Extra Information – Fox News is wholly owned by Fox Entertainment Group which is itself a subsidiary of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. News Corporation is one of the world’s largest corporations and in turn owns many other companies including: Newspapers such as the Sun, The New York Post and The Wall Street Journal. Many movie companies including of course 20^th Century Fox. Several Internet sites including Myspace and IGN.

It is also in talks to acquire the following corporations. The Soylent Green Corporation, The Weyland-Yutani Corporation, OMNI Consumer Products and Disneyland Paris.