Tom Jones the man once excommunicated from the Catholic Church for bedding an entire nunnery, sat on his bed contemplating the night’s events. Something in the castle just didn’t add up and he meant to find out what it was. After quickly conferring with Wee Jimmy both the heroes had turned in for the evening, in the hope that a good nights sleep would help them route out the corruption lurking within the castle walls.
Tom however always found it hard to nod off without first bringing a nubile young lady as close to Nirvana as a mortal could get.
The candles were doused in the luxurious room with the only illumination being moonlight filtering through a veiled window. Just on the edge of hearing Tom thought he discerned a faint noise like silk being pulled over a stone, and then the rope was around his neck. Immediately grabbing for his throat he stood and tried to wrestle free, his assailant however had a firm grip and the cord stated to bite into his flesh. The force of the rope on his larynx prevented him from shouting for help so instead he tried brute force. He pulled forward, dragging his attacker off the bed and forced him to turn. Then with all his power propelled himself backwards against the wall, crushing the man behind. The rope slacked and Jones quickly freed himself, now it was time to show this would be murderer how they fight in the valleys. A quick right hook sent the black robed figure flying back across the bed, he was soon back up though, and this time brandishing a knife.
“Don’t be a fool man” cried Jones but too late. The attacker pounced, tom grabbed him and they struggled face to face. Suddenly the knife wielder went limp, Jones pulled away to reveal that in the fight his adversary had accidentally stabbed himself. Wee Jimmy burst into the room like a midget whirlwind, alerted by the shouting and noise of battle. He found his master checking the bodies pulse “He dead, poor fellow” sighed Jones.
He removed the mans mask whilst Jimmy lit a candle and brought it over, in the flickering light they could see it was Terry Christian of Channel 4’s recently cancelled TV show The Word.
“Icke must have convinced him he would resurrect his career, not that there was anything to resurrect. He must have come from somewhere though, Jimmy help me search this place.”
After ten minutes Wee Jimmy found a door marked “dungeon” in the corner just next to the en-suite bathroom. Tentatively Jones pushed it open to reveal a stairwell leading straight down, on the wall was a painted mural depicting Tina Turner. He ran his fingers over the flaking paint reading “Follow in the footsteps of Tina”.
They descended several flights of stairs deep into the bowls of the castle, until they found themselves in a low ceiling corridor slick with damp and mould. There was very little light and the two adventurers had to stoop low to traverse its gloomy path. At the end of the corridor they entered into a much larger room and Wee Jimmy risked lighting a candle they had brought with them from upstairs. The floor was littered with skeletons, but one fresh body was lying by the far wall, there were thick rivulets of blood streaming out of both his ears. Wee Jimmy shuddered “What happened to him Dr Jones?”
“I don’t know Jimmy but let’s get out of here, it has the feel of a trap about it” answered Jones heading for the door. Jimmy looked about the room, and then noticed a bottle of whiskey on a shelf. It seemed rude not to take it….
“No Jimmy!” cried Tom leaping back too late. Jimmy’s Scottish genetic programming had sprung the trap, the doors began to close and from speakers hidden in the ceiling Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex began blaring out, felling both of them.
Luckily Tom had been born with the ability to close his ears at will, which allowed him to reach inhuman notes that would otherwise shatter the eardrums of lesser performers. After a brief attack from the eurodance biohazard Jones was able to block it out. Grabbing Jimmy he barely made it through the closing door in time.
After a moment to revive Jimmy then punch him, the two set off again. It became gradually warmer and soon a red glow could be seen in the distance along with an unpleasant sulphur like smell. As they drew closer chanting could be heard, they eased through a small opening in the rock wall and onto ledge over a vast cave. The sight that greeted them chilled the very marrow of their bones.
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