The Battle for Renaissance Man

In 1503 Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci (Vince for short) was commissioned to paint a mural on one wall of the Council Hall of the Palazzo Vecchio. Leonardo was by this point in his fifties, although still in full health and some would argue the peak of his powers. The self assured and highly honoured artist had been asked by Piero Soderini to paint a depiction of the Battle of Anghiari.

Always in need of extra cash Da Vinci had eagerly accepted the commission and had started to make his preliminary sketches on the walls. One day some time later, whilst he was staring at the wall to try to come up with more ideas the door to the council hall opened and a young man of twenty eight walked in dressed in scruffy clothes. Leonardo recognised him at once as Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni (Big Mick for short).

“Are you lost Michelangelo? The second hand rag stall is down the street” Leonardo sneered. It was well known that Michelangelo had little time for clothes or indeed washing.

“Actually Leonardo I have been commissioned to paint a mural on the wall by Soderini, I will require no apprentice, you may leave” replied Michelangelo with a casual wave of his hand.

Leonardo went purple with rage almost spitting his words out. “That greasy little political weasel! Oh Soderini I will get you for this one, insulting my work by sending a little upstart to work with me”.

“On the contrary Signor”. Said Soderini breezing into the hall from a side door. “I have commissioned Signor Michelangelo to paint the other wall. It will be the greatest hall in Florence, painted by the two greatest painters in Florence”

Leonardo mumbled something under his breath that sounded distinctly like “bulls#&!”

“It would seem that Signor Leonardo does not believe he can produce the same quality of work that I can, perhaps you should find someone else Soderini” put in Michelangelo plucking a pencil from a grubby pocket.

“I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast!” screamed Leonardo, his middle aged rage starting to peak.

“Then I will not be sharing any meals with you” countered Michelangelo.

“Well I see both of you have hit it off; I will leave you two geniuses to get on. Remember Florence expects no less than perfection” and with a final beaming smile perfected through a lifetime in politics, hurried out of the hall.

“You just stay away from me kid, I am a real artist, not some jumped up bricklayer whose dad knows the right people. You hear me, stay away”

“Gladly, your old fashioned style is far too vulgar”

Leonardo turned round to respond but Michelangelo was already laying out some charcoal lines on his wall, so he contented himself with pulling a rude hand gesture behind his back.

Over the following months both men would sporadically turn up to make more sketches or notes, though this was rare. The artists were in constant demand and the money from commissions as well as the fame was eagerly sought by both whether they had the time to do them or not. On top of this both men were highly prolific idea builders and would often become sidetracked onto projects of there own.

When they did run into one another the atmosphere would be frosty at best. However when either of the men would arrive to work at the Hall and the other was absent, they would always take a moment to admire the others work. Despite their obvious hatred for each other they both new the other was a fine artist.

One day Michelangelo entered the hall and was shocked to find Leonardo sat at his stool looking at his painting and crying.

“Ah finally you have realised your scrawls have no place being in the same building as my art” drawled Michelangelo. He then waited for the necessary barbed backlash that he had started to enjoy, but Leonardo continued to sit focussed on his painting. Michelangelo’s eyes wandered up to the picture and discovered the cause for the concern. Leonardo had been using a plaster to create his painting, and all over the finely detailed scene huge cracks had appeared and in places chunks fallen off.

“Bloody Pliny! The old fraud” wailed Leonardo

“What are you talking about you crazy old fool” enquired Michelangelo, but without venom.

Pliny the Elder was a Roman author, naturalist and historian and although highly respected he did have a tendency to make quite a lot of things up or report untested advice as true, such as using urine to cure all manor of health problems or tying bra’s round your head to cure headaches.

“Its one of Pliny the Elders paints recipes, you add oil to plaster and it makes the most wonderful material to work with, but as soon as it dries this happens. The whole bloody things ruined”

Michelangelo looked at the painting again, this time seeing the absolute beauty of it, behind the cracks and fissures created by the drying plaster. Perhaps another man may have felt happy that his rival had failed and would have to start again, but he felt only sorrow at the loss of something great. He looked across to his barely started picture, just a few charcoal outlines and said “Never mind, you can start again” but Leonardo did not listen.

Just at that moment one of Soderini’s clerks ran in looking highly flustered “The Republic has been overthrown! Soderini has fled” and with that took flight again.

“Oh well that’s that then” exclaimed Michelangelo “The Medici won’t want pictures of Republic victories on their hall walls, I ….. Why are you laughing?”

“I take it you didn’t get your money up front?” enquired Da Vinci starring up from his tear streamed face. “You have a lot to learn lad”

“You old bugger, I felt sorry for you, you…”

“Lets say we split it fifty fifty then, and if no one heard about my little plastering mishap then no harm done eh?”

“Done! I think the tavern down the road should still be open. Its probably best if we get out of here before any soldiers turn up”

“A good idea, I need to tell you what you’re doing wrong with your painting anyway”

Yesterdays Late Breaking Celebrity Lies

1. Mr. T’s favourite colour is pink, his favourite smell is fear.
2. Due to his diminutive stature Tom Cruise has never been on a rollercoaster in his whole life. Apparently he was offered the opportunity to visit Neverland Ranch and use the rides there, but the cost was “….. prohibitive”
3. Like Nostradamus Mr. T has written a book of predictions. Every page just says the word “pain” on it.
4. A teacher has been sentenced to atomisation by the Church of Scientology for calling a teddy bear Xenu Dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy”.
5. Mr. T was awarded an honorary knighthood in 2003 for his work against “Fools” unfortunately he has been unable to collect it as he “aint getting on no plane”.
6. Morrissey has been working with the US Military to try to come up with a “Misery” bomb.
7. The fight between Clubber Lang and Rocky Balboa in Rocky III had to be completely computer generated on a Commodore 64 as Mr. T’s contract does not allow for his defeat in any fight “real or imagined”.
8. Blossom the early 90’s American TV show about a hideously deformed girl was the first show to deal with the disability ugliness.
9. Mr. T was once the bodyguard for Bruce Lee, sadly Lee fired him after losing to an arm wrestle. If Lee had not been such a poor loser he may have been alive today.
10. In 1996 “Macarana” the song by Los del Rio accounted for 75% of Spain’s Gross National Product.

Brown admits trousers ‘unlawful’

Today Gordon Brown has admitted that trousers donated to him by property developer Sarah Beeny through middleman Kevin McCloud were “completely unacceptable” and would be returned.

He told a crowd of reporters that he had “no knowledge” of more than six pairs of Marks and Spencer’s trousers from Beeney, which could “not be justified”.

“The Trousers were not lawfully declared and so will be retuned”

Harriet Harman has also pledged to return a cheap skirt from Primark that she received “in good faith” for her leadership bid.

Peter Watt Labours general secretary was forced to resign on Monday after it emerged that Beeny had been donating trousers to the party for several years and still had all the receipts.

At the press briefing Mr Brown had reported that the practice had been going on “for some years” – but he was first told about it on Saturday evening, honest.

Once all the information had been brought to his attention Mr Watt’s resignation was “a necessary first step” but the party would find other scapegoats soon

Mr Brown said that he had appointed retired Grangehill Headmistress Mrs McClusky and the former Bishop of Oxford “as everyone can trust the clergy” to advise on any changes needed in regards to party donations.

Meanwhile Labour Lord Whitty will draw a picture of what happened as he just got a new set of crayons.

Mr Brown said a pair of black trousers from Beeny had been offered to his own leadership campaign, but he had rejected them as they were not from a list of his preferred trouser retailers.

Acting Liberal Democrat leader Vince….something or other said that “an enormous can of worms had been opened up” but no one was really listening.

David Cameron this year’s Conservative leader said that the government was now “Indifferent to the law” and called for an immediate general election to ensure his career.

Time Team

Time Team the UK BAFTA nominated archaeology programme has been on TV since 1994. Having just completed its fourteenth series the show appears to go from strength to strength. However sources close to the heart of the show, along with reports of random digs by members of the public reveal that all may be not as it seems at Channel 4’s premium field destroying series.

New evidence has shown that several members of the so called, time “team” have little background in archaeology at all. Phil Harding the self proclaimed Chief Archaeologist was found sleeping rough near the site used for the pilot episode in 1992.

Dave Krankie (an ex researcher from the show) recalls the incident – We had about an hour before the filming started or we would lose all the light and Simon (Simon Everson the Director) was screaming that we needed more “bearded weirdies” if we were going to be taken seriously. He ordered a group of us to into Dorchester-On-Thames to find someone we could use. I found Phil lying in a shop doorway covered in jumpers, he fitted the bill and was more than willing to take the £50 offered him. We had about six tramps working in the background on the pilot, shifting mud, the smell was unbelievable but it seemed to work. When one of the real archaeologists stormed off the set after refusing to change out of his three piece suit and his Italian brogues Simon grabbed Phil and got him to read some made up terms from a card. It worked ok in the print so we kept him on. It was only later that we found out he was a kleptomaniac with a penchant for colourful jumpers. The number of times I’ve had to pay off a Benetton store manger, he’s like a bloody magpie.

Tony Robinson the shows presenter gives off an impression of happy amiability with his co-workers but apparently nothing could be further from the truth.

According to sources Robinson spends most of the time in his trailer, a 40 foot Itasca Meridian costing around £200,000. It is rumoured that his salary now accounts for up to 90% of the Time Team budget. Off camera he is known to be domineering and aggressive towards the mainly gentle archaeologists.

Dave Krankie – He has always been a bit weird with everyone on set. Always going on about how he is a proper actor and only doing this for the money. He was kind of interested at first, well as interested as an actor can get, but now he resents the whole thing. I remember one incident where Phil (Phil Harding) called him over in his usual “come’n av a look at this Toneee” and Robinson just went nuts, he grabbed the find out of Phil’s hand and threw it into the bushes screaming “It’s a F@#?ing rock!”

Francis Pryor the specialist in the Bronze and Iron Ages also seems to be somewhat eccentric.

Dave Krankie – The mans a monster! He claims that anything we find is Bronze Age and gets aggressive if anyone disagrees; even Robinson is scarred of him. One week we dug up a plastic Minnie Mouse and he tried to convince everyone it was a Bronze Age fertility God. He held a trowel to Stewart Ainsworth’s throat when he told him it was just junk. He just kept yelling “Who’s in charge Stewart”.

The show has also recently been condemned for several indiscretions against members of the public. It seems that after thirteen years they have dug up every accessible historic site in the UK, and are now using compulsory purchase orders to have people evicted from their own homes, on the whim of their panel or experts. We spoke to one man in Milton Keynes, Richard Holmes, who had returned home from work to find his house fenced off and two Time Team “Toughs” guarding the entrance.

I started yelling at them, asking who the hell they thought they were boarding off my house. Then Robinson comes out and he’s got this kind of leer on his face and says. It’s my house now.

Despite all the controversy Time Team remains one of channel 4’s biggest draws for the all important “Sunday Night Liberal” spot and Tony Robinson if free to re-write history.

Quick Sunday Lies

1. Black Starburst sweets cause blindness.
2. Timmy Mallet is under investigation by the Centro de Investigación y Seguridad Nacional (Mexican Intelligence Agency) after apparently trying to smuggle 200,000 VHS copies of “Wacadays Funniest Moments” into the country.
3. It is illegal to sell pop tarts in Tibet.
4. The 2001 film “Evolution” staring David Duchovny and Julianne Moore is banned in the southern states of America.
5. The county of Devon has more secret lairs per person that any other county in England.
6. The music terrorist Chesney Hawkes is thought to be at large in Paraguay. Shakin’ Stevens is one of a team of bounty hunters trying to bring him to justice.
7. According to Joseph Haydn the famous composer, Beethoven was not in fact deaf and was, in his words “Just putting it on”.
8. King Midas of Pessinus suffered from Aurophobia (Fear of gold) which as it turned out was really unfortunate.
9. Captain Birdseye was the most highly decorated U-boat captain of the Second World War. He hates fish.
10. Ray Mears Bushcraft was filmed entirely on a blue screen at Industrial Light and Magic. Ray is in fact an accountant from Croydon.

Cirque du Pirates

Edward Low was one the most notorious pirates of what is referred to as the Golden age of piracy, in the early 18^th century. With a reputation for scuttling the ships he captured after violently torturing anyone onboard, his name struck terror into the hearts of all sailing in the waters off the Americas.

So in the summer of 1722, when the crew of the French ship La Motte saw the distinctive black flag and red skull and bones raised on the approaching ship, they abandoned their passengers and tried to escape in lifeboats.

Lowe ever one for an opportunity to show his cruelty, had the small boats fired on by cannon at close range. Happy that he had despatched the crew, he and his men easily boarded the merchant carrier. Lowe had been under the impression that La Motte would be carrying silk and hopefully some gold, however on opening up the hold he was confronted with his prize, The Paris Circus.

Lowe flew into a furious rage and ordered the elephant to walk the plank for his own amusement whilst he thought of what to do. Luckily elephants are exceptionally good swimmers and the pachyderm was able to make it to nearby Sable Island off the coast of Nova Scotia. Despite being in a somewhat different climate the elephant lived to ripe old age and was even later integrated into a group of horses abandoned there in the great expulsion of 1755.

Back onboard La Motte Lowe’s mood had not improved, and he forced the jugglers to perform with heated cannonballs on the edge of the ship before kicking them overboard as a finale. His greatest savagery however was saved for the clowns, for he had held a deep hatred of them ever since attending a circus as a boy, and having one pretend to throw water over him. All clowns were Keelhauled (dragged beneath the ship) in full outfits and makeup. On returning to the deck they were forced to say “it’s not really water, its just glitter” ten times whilst dancing from one leg to another.

Most of the remaining performers were simply put to the sword and the animals used to stock Lowe’s, now gourmet society like larder. The only two exceptions were the lions, which Lowe ordered put in cages on the deck. He had decided to try unleashing them on the next ship they boarded to further enhance his blood thirsty image. The only other survivor was a dwarf by the name of Jean Dubois. Dubois had been orphaned into the circus due to his condition and although he was initially trained in circus arts he was quickly found to be an excellent scholar and mathematician. He no longer performed and was in fact the company’s accountant.

Lowe who had never seen a dwarf before decided that he was the funniest creature he had ever seen and demanded that he “juggle some bananas like the little monkey he was”. When Dubois tried to explain that he was in fact an accountant and couldn’t juggle Lowe cut off his right hand. Despite his injury Dubois survived and Lowe kept him onboard in the role of “Ships Midget”.

Dubois managed to stay alive throughout the next year whilst Lowe became increasingly savage and desperate in his attacks on the local shipping. By now, him and his entire crew were wanted men and were constantly on the run from the British Navy.

Having left the Americas and crossed back across the Atlantic, Lowe now preyed upon ships off the coast of West Africa.

Having spotted what Lowe believed to be a whaling ship he ordered the crew to get ready to repel boarders and unfurl all sails to close on their prey. Only once they had closed in to strike did they realise the whaler was in fact a Spanish ship of the line, carrying eighty guns and at least two hundred men. Before Lowe could make quick his escape in his faster schooner the warship opened fire with devastating effect. The Broadside killed huge numbers of the crew and nearly snapped the main mast.

Luckily for Dubois, one cannonball struck and shattered the chain attached to his leg manacle, freeing him. Not wasting the opportunity Dubois grabbed a pistol and cutlass from a fallen pirate and released the lions from their cages. The lions who had been starved pounced on the ships mate, giving him the dubious honour of becoming the first man to be eaten by a lion at sea. The effect on the already desperate sailors was instantanous and they rushed to the lifeboats whilst fighting of the beasts.

Dubois was last seen on his way to the poop deck presumably to avenge his fellow circus friends on Lowe.

The sailors who abandoned ship were picked up by the Spanish and later hanged, though due to the arrival of a French ship in the area the Spanish did not immediately take Lowe’s ship as a prize. It was discovered one day later run aground on the coast of Guinea. On inspection the ship was found to be empty of Lowe’s rumoured treasure and the only life aboard was a lone lion chewing a mans severed hand.

Marmite

The German scientist Justus von Liebig is regarded as one of the greatest biological chemists of all time, and pioneered the use of nitrogen as a fertilizer. However in the summer of 1865 he made a terrifying discovery. Whilst working with brewers yeast he noticed that the substance could be concentrated to make what appeared to be an edible substance. However when he fed the unappealing brown slime to some laboratory rats all died in convulsive fits seconds after ingesting the foul dark material. Further tests proved that Liebig had in fact discovered one of the most poisonous substances know to man. Distraught by the thought that one of his inventions could be used to kill, he tried to destroy his research. He burned all his notes and smashed most of the apparatus he had used to create the toxin. In 1873 Liebig died thinking that is hideous secret had died with him. Unfortunately he had left a small jotting in one of his notebooks that he had forgotten about. This was bought at a house auction of Liebig possessions one year after his death, the purchaser was one Victor Marmite an amateur scientist of dubious morals. Victor had been expelled from Edinburgh University for his obsession of trying to use arsenic in his experiments. This had led to deaths that could not altogether be classed as accidental.

After several years of secret experimentation abroad, Victor returned to England settling in Burton on Trent. Here he spent the next few years raising capital from local businessmen (and some say the military) to start the Marmite Food Company.

It seems the clinically insane Victor Marmite had managed to lower the concentrations involved in making the toxic substance enough to prevent instantaneous death (the long term health issues have never been fully investigated). In his experimentation Marmite had also made another ghoulish discovery (at the cost of who knows how many lives). He discovered that an unknown element within the solution made the mixture addictive, though strangely only to around 50% of test subjects. The other 50% showed a highly allergic reaction; obviously their bodies could somehow detect the toxicity and cause the adverse reaction. It 2003 the human genome project discovered that there is in fact a “Marmite gene” which is an ancient leftover from the days of food experimentation by early man, who would often ingest poisonous foods by accident.

By 1902 Marmite Foods was in full production of the new wonder food that seemingly people just had to have. By 1907 the company needed to open another factory and by the Second World War they had cornered the toast spreadable market in the UK.

Today despite numerous attempts to prove the evil that lurks within each tub of marmite, no one has been able to curb the countries insatiable demand for the heinous extract.

Fox News

The Fox News channel was launched in October 1996 to just a few vegetative cable viewers unable to comprehend what was on the screen in front of them. Since then the channel, through sheer journalistic power alone has risen to its present day level, being available to over 85 million US households and further countless millions around the world. We were fortunate enough to be able to interview a few of the lucky people who get to work at this bastion of free speech.

Electra Republikan – Human Resources Manager

Electra is a pretty blonde woman in her early thirties with a faraway look in her eyes.

ER: Oh yeah its great working here, you really feel like your part of something bigger, like a well oiled……

BBL: Regime?

ER: Yeah exactly! Anyhooser we get allsorts of people arriving to work here even, you know, even foreigners. [Looks suspiciously at a young black mail room clerk going past] A lot of journalists come from other companies to learn how things should be done. Yeah we teach a lot of young reporters the ropes; we even have training schools in journalism set up around the world. Let me see, there’s one in North Korea, Iran, Kuwait oh gee everywhere.

BBL: Have you ever met Roger Ailes?

ER: Roger? Sure, Rogers a real hoot. You couldn’t meet a nicer guy. [Said slightly louder than necessary]

BBL: He has done work for quite a lot of, shall we say interesting characters like Regan, Nixon, Disney and Pol Pot. Has he ever mentioned his previous work?

ER: Well…I guess we have all had some crazy jobs. [Lowers voice] He did once say this………..

[She pulls back her sleeve to reveal a bracelet with a red crystal in it, its glowing]

ER: Oh God no……I have to go.

Ted Biased – Trainee Reporter

Ted is a young twenty something with blonde hair, chiseled good looks and altogether too many teeth. On his desk is a mug, it reads “You don’t have to be a Republican to work here – but it helps”

TB: I think with my training and a little luck, I should make Anchor by the time I’m thirty no problem.

BBL: Wow you’re quite the confident one. What is your training if you don’t mind me asking?

TB: My Father is a Senator.

BBL: Err, ok. So what do you say to those people who argue that Fox manipulates the news?

TB: That’s nonsense we don’t manipulate news, we are completely impartial. Jeez these people just don’t understand. A lot of news just isn’t interesting enough for you average guy at home. We get a lot of information here, most of it not relevant, like for instance, civilian deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan. Who needs to know that! Its not that we manipulate, we just prune out the stuff that people don’t need to know.

BBL: So what are you working on at the moment?

TB: I’m learning how to end and interview quickly, there are quite a few techniques. Cutting the other persons mike, telling them to shut up. It’s tricky to get right, but I’m getting there.

BBL: Do you think that Fox news is conservative or even right wing?

TB: Absolutely not, in any way is Fox conservative. Just read our slogan “Fair and balanced” what kind of right wing channel would have that slogan. Besides its not that we have anything against gay rights, blacks, abortion or any of that hippy stuff. Its just we thinks its wrong.

BBL: How about Rupert Murdoch what do think of him?

TB: Again people seem to have the guy all wrong. I have heard nothing but good things about the man. He is really into charity work, just the other day I heard he has a new project, some sort of TV show I think. They mentioned the title “Deaf Star”. I mean giving the useless deaf a chance to be on TV, what is more charitable than that?

Whatever you may think about Fox News this great channel continues to go from strength to strength. It truly is “The Most Powerful Name in News”.

Extra Information – Fox News is wholly owned by Fox Entertainment Group which is itself a subsidiary of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. News Corporation is one of the world’s largest corporations and in turn owns many other companies including: Newspapers such as the Sun, The New York Post and The Wall Street Journal. Many movie companies including of course 20^th Century Fox. Several Internet sites including Myspace and IGN.

It is also in talks to acquire the following corporations. The Soylent Green Corporation, The Weyland-Yutani Corporation, OMNI Consumer Products and Disneyland Paris.

Eurovision Song Contest

The Eurovision Song Contest or Concours Eurovision de la Chanson (roughly translates as “European New World Order”) has been in existence since 1129. It was a secret society founded by the knights templar and endorsed by the then pope Honorius II. Its sole purpose is to decide the future of Europe through the power of song and interpretive dance.

Originally the courts of Europe would send their champions to Jerusalem, where the rich and powerful would interpret the messages hidden in the music and movements and then decide on a course of action for the future of western civilisation. By this method the rulers of each country were allowed to have some input into how the actual power holders, such as the church and multinational corporations like the knights templar would steer mankind.

Over the years the societies have changed as power struggles have consumed the players involved. The Church, in recent times more concerned with internationally banking no longer acts as the head of the Song Contest. It is unknown who the current governing body is, though it has been theorised to be the Freemasons, as they can claim to be the oldest secular fraternal society, having evolved out of the knights templar. Their current Grand Master, Terry Wogan achieved his rank by assassinating the previous master Robert Maxwell in 1991. His rise to power is synchronous with the prevalence of Irish Eurovision winners in the early 90’s.

Other members include:

The Illuminati – however as they are now a US based secret society they only send minor non influential members such as the Queen of England

The Bilderberg Group – headed by the most powerful person in the world, Melinda Gates.

The Krankies – rumoured to control 98% of European entertainment by racketeering using fear, physical violence and creepiness.

Since 1956 the world order conference has been televised in an outlandish example of hiding something in plain sight. The steganography involved is complex and the song and dance routines take up to a year to perfect, although because of the hidden messages enclosed to the casual observer these acts can appear abysmal and in those sensitive to such things cause seizures.

An example of the hidden meanings can be seen in the UK’s 1981 entry “Making Your Mind Up” by Bucks Fizz. Though it would be impossible to find out the secret financial and military secrets hidden within the song without a huge IQ, powerful computer and the necessary ciphers, we can piece together clues. On the surface this is a simple celebration of Prince Charles deciding to marry Lady Diana. However the line “Bending the rules of the game will let you find – The one you’re looking for” is requesting that Bob Carolgees be socially assassinated before his power becomes too great to control.

Yorkshire Tea

Yorkshire tea has been grown on the North Yorkshire moors since 1886 and has been internationally recognised as the best tea in the world ever since.

The company was founded by Charles Taylor, a tea merchant down on his luck after several years of trailing to and from the east to buy teas of a sub standard nature. Charles a keen outdoorsman was wandering across the moors one afternoon when he happened upon a travelling mandarin sorcerer who was lost. Charles a man of thoroughly good character immediately offered his assistance to the stricken mage, whose vermillion robes were covered in mud and heather. The Mandarin explained that he had been travelling the earth looking for the land of the gods, as he had something that belonged to them. On entering the nearest village the sorcerer offered Charles a small lacquered box as a gift, and pressed it into his hand. Before he could refuse the Mandarin had vanished into thin air. Charles ever the practical Yorshireman decided against telling anyone about the story just on the off chance he was sent to a mad house.

On retiring to his home Charles opened the box and found inside a large quantity of tea seeds. It was from these seeds that the first Yorkshire tea plantation was started and Yorkshire Tea, or as those in the know call it the tea of the gods was born.

Today Taylors still run its many moors tea plantations in much the same was as they were over a hundred years ago. The tea needs little cultivation to thrive in the rich earth and of course never wants for rain. The plantations employ over ten thousand workers who would otherwise be forced to work in call centre factories. Unlike may other tea companies Yorkshire tea prefers to use a local workforce rather than hiring chimpanzee’s who will work for peanuts. Like most teas Yorkshire tea is rich in amino acids and antioxidants which are known to have health benefits. Recently Yorkshire tea was also found to contain a hitherto unknown antioxidant molecule called yorkshirenolic, which has been found in clinical trials to make you a better person.

Since 1994 Yorkshire tea has enjoyed “Protected Geographical Indication” and can only be grown on the limited number of Yorkshire moor plantations.

Officially the number of cups of Yorkshire tea drank each day is ten million, however it is thought this number may be considerably higher, due to the large amounts of tea smuggling that go on to allow foreign countries such as London the opportunity the enjoy this ambrosia like beverage.